How to cat-proof your balcony

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HOW TO CAT PROOF YOUR BALCONY - 6 tips to cat proof your balcony. 

cat sitting on top of door frame


The saying "cats will be cats" has never been more true since Wittgenstein defined tautology in 1921. But what have cats if a balcony is a place for them? It's a popular question, asked by literally everyone and will now be answered with the number of answers in this answer list.

Remember, cats are cats.

cat in a precarious position outside a building

 

Make your balcony not unsafe for cats.

One of the worst aspects of a balcony for cats that fall off things is they are part of buildings that are high up. Despite persistent myths that "cats always land on their feet" and "cats can survive a fall from a second story building" and "cats are as cats do", science has shown us this is false. It is proven by both or indeed all of Myth Busters AND Jackson Galaxy. In fact, a study in 2011, in Berlin, by scientists, in a science lab, with real cats, from a representative sample of the population of cats in Berlin science labs, and it was a longitudinal study, found that of the cats 25% of them would slip off the kitchen table when they trod on a spoon while trying to eat the lab assistant's yoghurt. 

While the study shocked scientists at the time, it is now accepted scientific fact that cats fall off stuff.



slow motion cat falling

 

1. Put some pillows on your balcony.

cat sitting the middle of a round pillow


If you want to prevent your cat from falling from your balcony, you need to get them out there in the first place. 

Attractive pillows, perhaps with some fish drawn on the pillow covers, create a safe and recognisable environment for your little furry ball of pet. 

Cats like sleeping like lawyers like cocaine, so a few pillows lying around on your balcony is a bit like a line of cocaine, but it's for cats! Imagine that!

2. Add some plants that are cat attractors

cat lying in catnip


Plants that attract cats are also attractors to cats of the plants that they are. Literally covering your balcony in a forest of catnip is going to make your cat so freaking happy they are not going to give two shits about birds flying past or probably anything really. That's just cat psychology.

3. Add plants that are not for cats and are bad for them

Cat next to plant and looking upset


It's not so much the balcony that is unsafe for cats, but the edge of the balcony that presents the real puzzle. Imagine that you saw some grapes and then looked at the grapes and the grapes were all little bags of maggots and your hands were wet and you thought "why are my hands wet?" and the bags of maggots all start popping, one by one, going on the floor and wiggling around and it smells really bad. 

I had that dream again actually but my therapist said it's a kind of progress, which I guess is cool.

That's what it's like for a cat when they see rosemary. So you just put a line of rosemary or any other "dekittydonlickid" species around your balcony edge like a barbed wire fence, and your problems are all solved literally all your problems.

4. Install an fence

Cat climbing fence in cat enclosure


The most failproof way of catching cats is actually in nets. If you make your balcony one big net, by the very definition of a net your will always catch your cat. And other people's cats. Also birds and stuff. Rats I think. Or mice. If you have a mice problem, what you could do, you could get a cat. Another cat, in addition to your balcony cat, for catching mice. 

It's the mouse-cat's job to catch the mouse, but your balcony cat might also want to catch the mouse, but if it does it's doing that in its spare time while the mouse-cat is doing it professionally.

5. Don't have balcony

An often overlooked solution to cats falling out of balconies is to not have a balcony for the cat to fall from. Cats can also fall from trees, fences, or kitchen tables (Von Winkler et al, 2011). So get some of those things and just don't have balcony, is an option.

grumpy looking cat

 

6. Don't have a cat

Cat fading out


No cat, no cat falling from the balcony. I can do this all day.

Cat nodding

 
We hope this list of solutions to cat-off-of-balconies has helped you with your cat issue that you keep talking so much about. What is YOUR solution to your cat constantly falling out your balcony? I find it hard to imagine I didn't already cover it, but I did publish this without proof reading it so there is a non-zero chance I missed one.

Thanks and happy hunting.



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